Thursday 29 November 2012

White Ribbon Day -Stop Violence Against Women!

I am a bit behind the times - White Ribbon Day - Australia's campaign to Stop Violence against Women was November 26th.

It is still a topic worth talking about the whole year round. If you want more information and to support the campaign here is the link : White Ribbon Campaign.

To show your support and commitment you can swear an oath of non-violence to women. Please check out the page 'Hey mate show the world where you stand' to see and join via twitter men like Rove MacManus, Keith Urban, Will Anderson, Malcolm Turnbull, Kochie and Dicko.

Dr Michael Flood from La Trobe University's Health Sciences faculty writes that as many as 50% of Australian women will experience physical or sexual violence by a man at some stage in their lives according to national surveys.







Definition
Domestic Violence occurs when a family member uses violent and/or abusive behaviour to control another family member or members.
Domestic Violence can include physical, verbal, emotional, economic or sexual abuse. For example: hitting, kicking, punching, choking, damaging property, yelling, insults, threats, bullying, withholding and controlling finances, unwanted sexual acts, forced sex.
Women and children are the majority of those who are subjected to abusive and violent behaviours in the home from their male partners, or fathers and stepfathers. Domestic violence cuts across all sections of the community. It doesn't matter what your ethnic or religious background is, whether you are Indigenous, or if you have a high income or are on benefits. It doesn't matter if you have a disability or are young or old, and it doesn't matter if you're gay or straight.
For people who use violence, a useful definition of violence is any action which is experienced by your partner as intimidating or causing fear and therefore having the effect of your partner limiting what they say or do.

The above definition comes for the Domestic Violence Crisis Service of ACT.

So I encourage you - women speak out, name it in order to change it.
And men take action, swear the oath of nonviolence and commit to non-control and respectful practices.

Philipa at Marriage Works your Sydney Eastern Suburbs Relationship Psychologist

Saturday 24 November 2012

TV adventure man Bear Gryll's Marriage Advice

Maybe you've seen Bear Gryll's the wild man of television fame who does some amazing ( crazy? well for us ordinary folks) and death defying trips in exotic locations.

Reading today's column in Sunday Life with interviewer Paul Connolly -What I know about...Women, Bear provides some insight into his marriage to wife Shara and what works well in the research interestingly ( Just look up John Gottman's studies... happy wife, equals happy life).

I think they are worth sharing. In his relationship he talks of the respect for Shara and how she has taught him to listen. He found this hard, as a man wanting to jump in, fix things and correct the problem. ( read everything!)

Paul found another teaching Bear has taken on board is 'that nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care, and she's not interested in living with a "hero". she just wants to know I'm there for her and our sons..She trusts me that the risks I take are managed, that my priority is not conquering some challenge but getting home in one piece.'

Bear's insights are good marriage advice. No point in being right - it's lonely at the top and showing care and empathy is at the heart of healthy relationships.

He sounds like he is living in a 21st century marriage, which offers deeper emotional connection and greater intimacy. He shares his vulnerability with us ' I think I've learnt I'm more fragile than I sometimes imagine, that I'm not as tough and invincible as I'd hoped.' Women really love this side of a man. Here he is a wild man out on his adventures and yet a calm, soothing influence in his relationship.

While he lives life boldly, he makes the commitment to prioritising his family, a great role model for fathers, husbands and sons out there.

So guys challenge yourself today, try listening instead of correcting or problem solving, show you care with empathy and make your relationship the priority in your life. You and your family will reap the rewards.

Not sure how to do this well it can be learnt, get some relationship coaching to fast track a better relationship today.

Cheers Philipa

Friday 23 November 2012

After the affair - Recovery from infidelity.

You will notice me writing a lot on infidelity. As we have seen in the media with the David Petraeus affair relationship breaches happen to many people - so if it's In your world, know it's a very big boat your in!

I want to share with you a some moments from a session this week with a couple dealing with the aftermath of a relationship crisis so you can see inside the therapy room and know healing from pain is possible.

David and Alison ( aliases of course) are in the early stages of recovery. Alison had had an affair discovered by David several months ago leading them to seek relationship counselling.

I had Alison in the room with me and Dan was joining us from New York via Skype. (isn't it fabulous to be able to work  people worldwide !)

Alison and David both acknowledge the hurt, pain, sexual jealousy this beach of trust has had on their relationship.  I gave my choosing to trust again speech, which helps explain the trust barriers in a useful way.

What was really incredible in the session was to hear David talk about how close and intimate their marriage had become. He spoke of letting his guard down and telling Alison of his fears and self doubt - she was a beautiful woman and his self esteem was out of synch with reality, having him he believe he didn't deserve this lovely young woman and it would all be in the trash one day. This lead to him being self protective, as we all are! But it felt like withholding to Alison.

Alison responded to David's defenceless by telling him how much she loved him and how much closer she felt to this unguarded David.

Alison said she felt heard by David as he listened to her worries and doubts without attempting any fixes. She also said how committed she was to working through this and apologised for the pain She has caused stepping outside of the relationship.

Both Alison and David  were worried this depth of emotional intimacy would go once they were back in the same country. I asked them if they would be able to say this to each other if they were sitting in the same room? Yes they responded, allaying their fears.  This couple have made great progress in their marital therapy and their relationship is different to the old one pre-affair.

There has been at a price but this comes with rewards, as they encounter a new depth and intimacy effectively strengthening their bond and offering shelter for their relationship in tougher times.

I encouraged them to continue talking in this open vulnerable way in order to progress in strengthening their marriage. And while they may experience hiccups along the way, this form of communication will be the solid foundation to which they can restore harmony as difficulties crop up from time to time.

Well done Alison and David. If this excerpt resonates for you please check out my marriage counselling website -Marriage Counselling with Medicare Registered Psychologist and Couple Counsellor

Best Wishes Philipa

Sunday 18 November 2012

Annabel has it right on infidelity and public figures.

Reading Sunday's Sun Herald columnist Annabel Crabb, I had to agree with her observations in regard to David Petraeus and the sexual affair with his biographer. 

Rather than fudge it or minimise the infidelity like  president Bill Clinton ( Monica Lewinsky, Jennifer Flowers and numerous others, where he may or may not have had intercourse. Come on, please!).
He stood up, and said the affair was already over,  acknowledging not only had he failed his own and the army's moral standards hurting his wife and family, he then he took responsibility and resigned.

Well Done. There were no excuses, no justifications, self pity, whining, minimisation's or any other kind of ducking and weaving. I believe he has expressed remorse and apologised to his family, and his country. While he may have had a lapse in his behavioural ethics ( and who hasn't made a mistake in their live?) He has stepped up.

This is what is vital in recovery from an affair - acknowledgement, openness, honesty, reassessment,  taking responsilility and remedy seeking - I'll bet this couple are seeking relationship counselling tout suite. They have a good chance at making it through this relationship crisis.

Sure he has succumbed to an indulgence, but he acted with a certain kind of dignity missing in many of our leaders and  Annabel notes this makes Petraeus a loss to public life.

Very different to NSW Independent Commission Against Corruption (ICAC)  news of the Eddie Obied affair and the loss of millions of dollars to the NSW People and faith in our public system.

Sad, very sad. Check out Marriage Works for more information on relationship counselling and marital therapy.

Best Wishes Philipa

Friday 16 November 2012

Saturday night relationship booster

Why not do something you know your partner loves doing?
Could be a movie in or out, romantic dinner and massage. Great if you are up to date with your partners likes, if not ask and be open to working with their desires.
A favourite movie, out on DVD is Hope Spring with Meryl Streep and Tommy Lee-Jones Hollywood royalty. What relationship problems - perhaps you can identify?

Here is the link Hope Springs.  Take note the age of the baby at the movies end.

Perhaps you have your own personal favourites that take you to the cache of your happy relationship memories ?
My advice is to take a trip back to Inspiration Point, as they used to call it in the tv show Happy Days.

Best wishes for a passionate marriage for today.

Psychopathy

I attended a breakfast meeting today  on psychopathy, very interesting. Luckily approximately 1:/:of population with a 3:1 ratio of males to females.

Sexual promiscuity is a possibility according to Hare's Psychopathy Checklist-revised.
People often wonder about their partner upon discovering an affair, so let me reassure you they are not likely to be psychopaths !

Check out Sexual problems and infidelity issues in your marriage.


Let me give you hope you can repair your relationship. Relationship counselling can give you back the edge and help you recover from the trauma.

Best wishes philipa
Want Marriage counselling and relationship advice?

Wednesday 14 November 2012

Did you get to see the amazing eclipse in Cairns?
Check it out NASA Solar Eclipse in Cairns.

Perhaps your relationship might be going through a dark patch, maybe feeling blocked out or suffering in silence?

Now is the time to speak out and shine a light on issues to clear the air and bring back the sunlight and intimacy in your relationship. Marriage Counselling will help you to fast track that process.
It is a bit like using a personal trainer.

Want to know how please call me now for a free 10 minute talk on what will help in your marriage today - 0434 55 90 11.

Sunday 4 November 2012

Welcome to Marriage Works!

Hello and thanks for taking the time to read this new forum ( for me!) Philipa Thornton of Sydney Medicare registered Psychologist operating out of the Eastern Suburbs Sydney working with you and your marriage, relationships and concerns.

Please check out my couple counselling website:

Marriage Works Website


More to come soon!
Philipa