After the affair - Recovery from infidelity.

You will notice me writing a lot on infidelity. As we have seen in the media with the David Petraeus affair relationship breaches happen to many people - so if it's In your world, know it's a very big boat your in!

I want to share with you a some moments from a session this week with a couple dealing with the aftermath of a relationship crisis so you can see inside the therapy room and know healing from pain is possible.

David and Alison ( aliases of course) are in the early stages of recovery. Alison had had an affair discovered by David several months ago leading them to seek relationship counselling.

I had Alison in the room with me and Dan was joining us from New York via Skype. (isn't it fabulous to be able to work  people worldwide !)

Alison and David both acknowledge the hurt, pain, sexual jealousy this beach of trust has had on their relationship.  I gave my choosing to trust again speech, which helps explain the trust barriers in a useful way.

What was really incredible in the session was to hear David talk about how close and intimate their marriage had become. He spoke of letting his guard down and telling Alison of his fears and self doubt - she was a beautiful woman and his self esteem was out of synch with reality, having him he believe he didn't deserve this lovely young woman and it would all be in the trash one day. This lead to him being self protective, as we all are! But it felt like withholding to Alison.

Alison responded to David's defenceless by telling him how much she loved him and how much closer she felt to this unguarded David.

Alison said she felt heard by David as he listened to her worries and doubts without attempting any fixes. She also said how committed she was to working through this and apologised for the pain She has caused stepping outside of the relationship.

Both Alison and David  were worried this depth of emotional intimacy would go once they were back in the same country. I asked them if they would be able to say this to each other if they were sitting in the same room? Yes they responded, allaying their fears.  This couple have made great progress in their marital therapy and their relationship is different to the old one pre-affair.

There has been at a price but this comes with rewards, as they encounter a new depth and intimacy effectively strengthening their bond and offering shelter for their relationship in tougher times.

I encouraged them to continue talking in this open vulnerable way in order to progress in strengthening their marriage. And while they may experience hiccups along the way, this form of communication will be the solid foundation to which they can restore harmony as difficulties crop up from time to time.

Well done Alison and David. If this excerpt resonates for you please check out my marriage counselling website -Marriage Counselling with Medicare Registered Psychologist and Couple Counsellor

Best Wishes Philipa