Albert Einstein said of life's difficulties there is always an opportunity...

This may seem hard to believe when you are stuck in the midst of a difficulty like an affair.

The hurt keeps rebounding, you have a good moment only to be reminded when a trigger comes up - your waiter/ess has the same name as the third party, or your mind starts to ask more questions and you feel stuck. . 

Take heart healing in your relationship will occur with time. 

With the healing comes Einstein's opportunity. Here you can rediscover or even uncover new truths about yourself and your relationship. Uncomfortable they may be when we reveal formerly ignored parts and expose our most vulnerable sides. 

This takes great courage and safety in a relationship. To dare to show our flaws and really be seen by our intimate partner and for them to love you all the more as they 'get' the 'real' you. 

What difficulty can you use today as an opportunity for emotional connection in your closest relationships?

Whoops! Re Valentines day post

A friend told me today she visited Clint's site and was unable to view the articles.
I will check in to see when this will happen

My apologies !

Happy Valentines day!

Hope you are having an ok day please check out my article on real world practical relationship advice for all year round.
Www.marriageworks.com.au

Great news on another note Clint Salter has asked me to be a contributor to his new venture and inspiration. Make the world move.

Please visit and read my articles by clicking on my picture.
Www.maketheworldmoce.com

Enjoy your day whatever your couple status !
Regards Philipa

A Tribute to my first Relationships Australia supervisor Carolyn Richards.

Today I attended Carolyn's funeral in Sydney. She had struggled with a rare and awful cancer for nearly 2 years.

Her husband John read out a love letter that brought most of us to tears and he was choking with emotion. He had written it on their 30th wedding anniversary. here he shared his love for her, truly heartwarming. Each family member gave a eulogy that really honoured her, her life and works.

She will be missed by many and most dearly her family.


I feel truly blessed to have had the opportunity to have been supervised by Carolyn as a counsellor. She was a gifted psychologist, teacher and mentor to me. Her wisdom, compassion and love shone about her and touched all she met. Fiercely loyal she was feisty and would protect her "chickens" as she endearingly called her work friends.

Her voice stays with me - her counsel with clients, her stories of her life and her wonderful talents as a couple therapist.

So dear Carolyn,

Thank you for being you and may I be half the therapist you were!

It was an honour to have known you Carolyn and a privilege to have worked with you.

I do hope I continue with the love and grace in my counselling practice that you showed to so many of us.

Blessings to your family at this tough time,

With love Philipa & Kylie H ( my supervisor who carries your legacy as a skilled and kind psychologist).

Www.marriageworks.com.au

Want to avoid Monster In-Laws? Read on... for the secret.

Yep that isn't a typo. Monster In-Law's and having to deal with them are going to be a hot topic no doubt this December, as our Christmas countdown begins.

I wish I had coined the term Monster In-law but I heard it while watching America's Dr Phil television show :

Dr Phil's Most Outrageous Monster In-Law Returns.

While this show demonstrates one woman's blatant disregard for her own daughter's life choices and is an extreme version of how things can get out of hand. It also offers us a time to reflect on our relationships with our nearest and dearest.

Sure you married your partner and not their family, I get that. Trouble is that your loved one is usually part of a package deal that includes some family element.

Ideally you want to have a view of your in-laws similar comedian ( and he is not joking here)  Ben Elton described in an interview with Dino Scatena in this weekends Sunday Life magazine. Ben describes "Kate, the most wonderful mother-in-law imaginable, and Bob - my parents in-law...we even moved to Perth...allowing our children to have them in their lives." (Abridged). He goes on to say how lucky he is with his wonderful wife Sophie, "I married into this amazing family, too. It's been a blessing in my life, and one that's spread to my own family."

Now that's the attitude Ben. I'll bet they are going to sit around a table filled with love and food this Christmas day, making happy memories the best presents for all. And get this ladies - Ben will be doing all the cooking - full roast turkey, while his wife does the washing.

This is the stuff of solid foundations that keep a partnership strong. Indeed M Gary Neuman in his terrific book Emotional Infidelity - how to affair proof your marriage and 10 other great secrets to a great relationship. says  "Secret No.11 to a great marriage is : Focus energy on creating a healthy relationship with your spouse's parents".

Yep that's right you will have to do some work - bring back politeness and respect, treat your in-laws with the love and dignity you offer to yourself and your partner. 

After all your wife or husband is a result of that union, so they have created some good things in your life too! Find something to like and build on that, connect with your mother in-law or father in-law as a fellow person and offer them your integrity and friendship. Let go of past hurts and defensiveness in order to build a the relationship you want your children to see as up and coming adults.

Work at it and your will find yourself being rewarded is so many ways.

Best Wishes Philipa

Affair Help needed?

White Ribbon Day -Stop Violence Against Women!

I am a bit behind the times - White Ribbon Day - Australia's campaign to Stop Violence against Women was November 26th.

It is still a topic worth talking about the whole year round. If you want more information and to support the campaign here is the link : White Ribbon Campaign.

To show your support and commitment you can swear an oath of non-violence to women. Please check out the page 'Hey mate show the world where you stand' to see and join via twitter men like Rove MacManus, Keith Urban, Will Anderson, Malcolm Turnbull, Kochie and Dicko.

Dr Michael Flood from La Trobe University's Health Sciences faculty writes that as many as 50% of Australian women will experience physical or sexual violence by a man at some stage in their lives according to national surveys.

Definition

Domestic Violence occurs when a family member uses violent and/or abusive behaviour to control another family member or members.

Domestic Violence can include physical, verbal, emotional, economic or sexual abuse. For example: hitting, kicking, punching, choking, damaging property, yelling, insults, threats, bullying, withholding and controlling finances, unwanted sexual acts, forced sex.

Women and children are the majority of those who are subjected to abusive and violent behaviours in the home from their male partners, or fathers and stepfathers. Domestic violence cuts across all sections of the community. It doesn't matter what your ethnic or religious background is, whether you are Indigenous, or if you have a high income or are on benefits. It doesn't matter if you have a disability or are young or old, and it doesn't matter if you're gay or straight.

For people who use violence, a useful definition of violence is any action which is experienced by your partner as intimidating or causing fear and therefore having the effect of your partner limiting what they say or do.

The above definition comes for the Domestic Violence Crisis Service of ACT.

So I encourage you - women speak out, name it in order to change it.
And men take action, swear the oath of nonviolence and commit to non-control and respectful practices.

Philipa at Marriage Works your Sydney Eastern Suburbs Relationship Psychologist

TV adventure man Bear Gryll's Marriage Advice

Maybe you've seen Bear Gryll's the wild man of television fame who does some amazing ( crazy? well for us ordinary folks) and death defying trips in exotic locations.

Reading today's column in Sunday Life with interviewer Paul Connolly -What I know about...Women, Bear provides some insight into his marriage to wife Shara and what works well in the research interestingly ( Just look up John Gottman's studies... happy wife, equals happy life).

I think they are worth sharing. In his relationship he talks of the respect for Shara and how she has taught him to listen. He found this hard, as a man wanting to jump in, fix things and correct the problem. ( read everything!)

Paul found another teaching Bear has taken on board is 'that nobody cares how much you know, until they know how much you care, and she's not interested in living with a "hero". she just wants to know I'm there for her and our sons..She trusts me that the risks I take are managed, that my priority is not conquering some challenge but getting home in one piece.'

Bear's insights are good marriage advice. No point in being right - it's lonely at the top and showing care and empathy is at the heart of healthy relationships.

He sounds like he is living in a 21st century marriage, which offers deeper emotional connection and greater intimacy. He shares his vulnerability with us ' I think I've learnt I'm more fragile than I sometimes imagine, that I'm not as tough and invincible as I'd hoped.' Women really love this side of a man. Here he is a wild man out on his adventures and yet a calm, soothing influence in his relationship.

While he lives life boldly, he makes the commitment to prioritising his family, a great role model for fathers, husbands and sons out there.

So guys challenge yourself today, try listening instead of correcting or problem solving, show you care with empathy and make your relationship the priority in your life. You and your family will reap the rewards.

Not sure how to do this well it can be learnt, get some relationship coaching to fast track a better relationship today.

Cheers Philipa